nonsense and sensitivity...

"the feeling of self-consciousness had long been settled in Leigh."
~ modified from first line of Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen

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what is it... inside... that makes us question... everything...

even on days that are amazing and wonderful and filled with joy and success...

somewhere... there is that fleeting moment of...

self-consciousness...

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it can come in many forms...

generally just questioning my abilities, qualities, character, physicality... etc...

and this is one thing i am determined to change...

not just for my own personal confidence... but i also strongly believe that it effects my relationships with the hub, my parents, my sister, my friends and coworkers...

one of the major aspects of this is that i take things.. so very personally...

and i let it sink deep down in...

and let it wrap around my heart and soul so i can't shake it...

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and yet... like most... i rarely let any positive things down deep to that level...

i brush them off...

it's not only comments, criticisms (positive or otherwise) but i find myself over-analyzing everyone's words, body language, actions.... every bit of it...

looking longer and harder for evidence of their displeasure in my company,

thinking their laughing at me instead of with...

comparing their intelligence, jobs, house, clothes, life.... to mine and wondering why their grass seem so bloody green...

what is that?

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the crazy thing is... i am intelligent, have a great job (well.... soon ;) ), wonderful house, i dig my clothes/style  and my life - while obviously not perfect... is pretty damn great! 

and i know this!

i do.

and then...

omg... there it is.. that feeling that i'm the weakest link in the room...

why do so many of us do this to ourselves...

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one thing that i've been thinking about is that this fear... this self-consciousness comes from a whole loads of places... vanity, desire for attention, selfishness and a self-centered attitude...

at first glance that seems odd because it's not like i'm wondering around thinking that i'm the greatest...

but i am going about my life thinking that everyone else must be constantly forming an opinion about every.single.thing i do in my day to day life...

i think because you didn't reply to that email until the next day that you must not want to have lunch...

really?

i bet it's just cause your ass was busy all day...

that guy across the hall at work doesn't agree with my idea that i spent a week on?  he obviously thinks i'm an idiot and hates me...

nope.

he just didn't agree with my plan, maybe he had a better one, maybe my plan ain't so great or maybe, just maybe... he needs to understand it better... (or maybe he's the idiot ;) )

the hub calls, but gets off the phone super quick.. omg... he's still pissed that i spilled coffee all over the car... and forgot to clean it up... (seriously, i'm sorry about that... again... really... i love you <3 )...

yeah... his boss walked in... as important and discussing the weekend plans are... boss-man talk takes priority!


whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?

you see... i always take stuff in... like it's about me... you see?  i'm so vain... i do think that song is about me...

but this is something i'm trying.... really trying to change...

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because i don't want to be that person...

that paranoid... self-possessed person... seriously...

i not only want to be able to take in the good stuff and hold on to it a little... but let the bad come in, so that i can take the goodness out of it... and then let it roll on out of there... i want to stop living inside my head... and start living from my heart... i want to focus on the real interactions with folks instead of the imagined....

i want to KNOW who i am and live my life....

i want to be the author of my own story without all the damn footnotes...

all these little thoughts hold you back...

and i'm going to break free of that...

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i'm going to let all my overly sensitive nature let go of all the nonsense...

and hopefully in time...

"though hardwork, and living almost within sight of confidence, she could live without disagreement between her mind and her heart, or producing coolness between others."
~ modified from last line of Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen


~xo

oh boy...

i need to lighten up.

sigh.

this isn't a post about grey days..

no.

this is a post about loooooooooooooong days...

yes.

sigh.

breathe.

gah.

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seriously.

never have the days of summer crawled like this...

and never have i wanted them to go sooooo much faster...

i should not complain...

although we do desperately need some serious rain up in these parts...

the weather has been gloriously sunny and deliciously warm...

i should be enjoying and lounging in it... drinking it in and storing it up in my pockets for cold winter days...

but.

instead i am languishing in a job that i gave notice to weeks ago...

and dreading each and every moment in this lonely.boring.power-draining.office...

the excitement of my new job is making me itch...

and let's face it...

super grumpy and very low in the tolerance department for bullshit...

and this place. 

oh.

it's ripe with it.

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and i have never been more aware of it...

sigh.

oh well.

there is the light... and it's in 9 business days and counting...

yeah...

i know...

i'm totally pouting and being a bit of a brat..

but i can't help it...

it's like those final days of school before christmas break... where the kids get all hyped up and antsy....

ya.

or something.

i feel as though i'm just taping my fingers and jostling paper around...

even though i'm not...

i am actually continuing to work... but oh... dragging my feet... oh yes...

i can only imagine what those last couple days will be like...

blargh.

it's not helping that my last task is fairly tedious... and honestly frustrating... too many external factors can just make or break it far too easily..

and then it's just clean up time, and tying loose ends...

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and then i'm out.

i mean you don't give anything new to someone who has one foot out the door...

so ya..

b.o.r.i.n.g.

pout.pout.pout.

boo.

i'm terrible...

really...

such problems i have ;)

i will instead make myself focus on the glorious two weeks i'll have to relax and float and enjoy this summertime...

and then.

oh then.

*yay!*

start that brand new adventure.

can't wait folks.

xo.

frivolous fridays...

i have always loved all forms of art...

and i have tried my hand at it as well over the years..

sometimes, but rarely... successfully.

i would like to take some time out this friday afternoon for some art appreciation...

the internet can be a scary - odd - crazy place...

but one of the things i adore about it is the ability for artists to share their genius with the masses...

so i bring to you my darlings... a few fabulous works of art that have made my heart a flutter recently...

rainbow by ~nokkasili

ah deviantArt for all you fan-girl/boy art - much of which is admittedly genius... there are those that are truly original artists that bless the world by uploading their darling works... this one just spoke volumes to me... it's so beautifully filled to the brim with emotion.. and the genius red shoes... oh yes, love this piece.  It's just how those grey days can feel.. and yet, the beauty in it and the red shoes... gives me hope.

Touch Me I'm Lovely by Soleil Ignacio

the title says it all - she is lovely - so earthy and warm... I am not often drawn to portrait style paintings, but this is a lovely exception.

untitled by mostrosidad

i am a sucker for anything sailing - one look on my tumblr, etsy favs page or modcloth wishlist would tell you that ;)  but this... it's so dreamy and touching... it calms me. 

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the next two i found via tumblr... the link to one genius image found me face to face with these other two beauties.  This first one is just such perfection.  subtle, soothing, just the thing for a cozy bedroom.

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this one actually caused me to gasp out loud...

the delicacy of those flowers, the depth within it... it's just so... so.... you know? 




and this last one, because it is frivolous friday after all...

is just such a joy to look at, puts a huge smile on my face... i think it's in my top pic pool for a perfect bathroom piece... everyone needs some humor in the bathroom right? 

City Gent

and with that my dears, i will leave you to enjoy your weekends...

~xo.

expressions of self...

when i was wee, my parents said i would walk up to strangers and engage them in endless conversations... wandering off with them eager to make that new friend...

and i was endlessly seeking out ways to show off my talents - dancing, playing violin, joke telling...

shyness was never a factor... oh no... i was too busy making the most of every.damn.day...

and then...

something happened... it was like all that endless eagerness and endless boldness of my character just seemed to have vanished...

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i don't know why... although, i could guess at several factors... going to school... meeting all those kids and suddenly begin surrounded by many different personalities... you start to see yourself through their eyes... you start to question everything about yourself and what you do.... you close up... you retreat...

oh... well... maybe that's just me...

honestly i don't really know when the switch happened... or if it was sudden, or a slow waning over the years...

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but somewhere along the way... and by the time i was in third grade....

i was the epitome of shyness... i would barely raise my hand to answer questions in class... i stuck with my small group of friends that i had somehow manage to not annoy or ignore enough to make them ditch me...

i struggled in school that year, my mother was told i had a learning disability... which she scoffed at seeing as how she herself was a special education teacher that dealt with learning disabled students everyday... and turns out she was right, i just could see the board anymore so my shyness coupled with my declining sight... well, let's just say that i managed to squeak through that year only because i finally got glasses...

but of course then i was now a shy girl with glasses... in the eighties, you know before hipsters made every kid on the street what the wear thick black frames with or without lenses... so i retreated further...

my one saving grace is that my mother saw how my shyness kept holding me back and enrolled me in classes at a theater school in town, which finally started to give me enough confidence to speak in front of a crowd - at least my own classmates anyways... which was far improved from when i had to give my speeches to the teacher in their office because i kept pretending i didn't have it ready so i could just avoid the whole nerve-wracking ordeal...

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as much as i started to embrace the stage, and even started voice lessons, singing jazz and doing musical theater in high school... i still was afraid to show my true self to others... still shy... still retreating... still so afraid of being judged...

i still would rather sing, dance or act in front of a crown of thousands... before i could sit in a small group of strangers... hell... friends!... and have a conversation about anything... because when i'm onstage.... i can be somewhere else in my head... i can be someone else playing a part...  a lot pf performers have their "stage personality"... and it's so true... it makes it so much easier to come out of that thick shell... because... it's isn't "you" up there in front of all those people.

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but in my day to day life...

sigh.

i will put off making a phone call to the cable company so i don't have to speak to them...

i added that pizza ordering app to my ipad... which i adore.. serious... tap. tap. slide. tap..... PIZZA! it's genius.

and at parties.. i cringe when someone new sits beside me...or even someone i haven't seen in a awhile... i can just feel them thinking... oh man, soooo boring.... this is soo awkward....

the hub is a person magnet... his personality is so open... so friendly... he can talk to ANYONE... he can walk into a room and in ten minutes have someone deep in conversation... i just joked the other night that after a night at the pub he often has at least three new facebook friends... haha... but seriously... it happens.

it certainly has encouraged me over the last eleven years that we've been together to try and branch out... try and engage people... try to step out of my comfort zone and leave my shyness behind...

i go through fits and starts... as anyone does when they are trying to change.

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and it's scarey... and much easier with wine ;) but that of course lends itself to other issues... like suddenly divulging wayyyy to much information...

the hub encourages me in other ways too... trying new things... my shyness crept into all aspects of my life... like not driving until i was 27... refusing to go to the gym, join a sports team, take a class... it was holding me back...

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and now i'm so glad for all that pushing and encouragement... i now box, jog, play softball once a week, took a french class and actually hang out with people that i neither work with, know from school or know from my hometown etc... ie. people that we just met around town or through other friends... people before that i would keep carefully at a distance... i know count as true friends.

and something else...

the hub encouraged me to take a chance three years ago and take a new job... one that was a bit risky, and the actually thought of doing an interview scared the shit out of me... it was such a change... and i was successful!  my old job i got right out of university and i had worked for them before as a student.... did a phone interview even... so that was super easy peasy and a lot less stressful...

and then a month or so ago...

he encouraged me again to take a chance...

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this time... it was for my dream job... something shinny and terrifying like you wouldn't believe... my heart nearly exploded the night before the interview from all that fast paced beating... and not just about the interview... no... about what would happen if i actually GOT the job? 

it's a client facing job, you see... so lots of interaction with people... lots of one on one... lots of conferences and meetings and site visits and talking on the phone and talking to groups and talking... talking....talking...

yup.

gulp.

*big breath*

oh dear.

yes.

my new job starts in a couple weeks now...

and the excitement is starting to take over from the nerves...

for the first time in my life i'm actually excited about my job... seriously... my biggest complaint professionally was that while i was always happy to do the work... and put the time in... i had no passion for what i was doing... and now... i'm like a little kid... i can't wait to start this new adventure...

i feel that although this will inevitably be a challenge for me... and will in addition be a bit of a learning curve... and of course... i do have worries about being able to take all of it in, take all of it on and to do it well... but....

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it feels like the world in opening up to me... i can finally see a career path in front of me... i can see a future... and i love it.

love it.

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~xo.

frivolous fridays...

since i'll be starting a much more corporate new job soon...


i've been fantasying about building up my new office wardrobe...

here are some of the top choices... some much less realistic then others... but a girl's gotta have dreams right?

or goals... let's make that goals ;)

anthropologie has always turned my head... but damn... it's pricey... but kind of so damn worth it...

sadly  the chance of one opening anywhere near Otown is slim to nil... sigh.

i see lunches with clients...

polka-dotted dress

drinks after a conference...

Candidasa Dress

and maybe just added flare to the everyday blouse and skirt combo...

Gilded Estate Skirt - Sailing Lace Skirt - Anila Blouse